I do not understand it.

I do not like it!

Most of the time I REALLY HATE IT!!!!!

Honestly, once upon a time, everything was almost normal and okay in my Life.

Then, SHAZAM!!!!

Out of the clear blue sky,

my sometimes almost under control Life spiraled into a mess of chaos and grief.

In a seven month time frame, my dad suffered a heart attack, lived with me for two months, and then had heart surgery.

Next, Dad was in ICU for SIX WEEKS, trying to recover from surgery. It was an emotional roller coaster- yes he was healing, no he was not, he’s better, he’s worse, he’s dying, he’s getting better.

And then he died.

Three months later, my Mom joined him in Heaven.

Needless to say, my Life has been thrown into a storm and scattered to the winds.

For a girl who hates change, this is MISERABLE!!!

Because I am mourning the loss of my parents, the fact that Life will never be the same.

I grieve for those times lost to us when we pulled away from each other, for histories I never knew.

But I am also dealing with the consequences of their deaths.

Legalities, memorials.

A household of 55 years accumulated, and four lives worth of memories. (My parents’ and my brother’s and mine.)

Cards, letters, clothing, household items, photographs, dishes, linens and papers.


I just want it all to stop!

How can I grieve when I have so much stuff to take care of!?!

I’m having to make important legal decisions when I can barely pick a restaurant to go eat at.

How do I balance MY Home, MY Family, and MY obligations when I now have so much more to deal with? As well as trying to take care of MYSELF!?! I am not alone in it. I have my brother’s help, my husband, my kids, my Friends.

But it is all OVERWHELMING!

I have no idea where to start.

My house is filled with THEIR stuff- papers, pictures, mementos. I have no idea where to even begin to organize let alone finish clearing their Home. It feels like I am erasing their LIFE together.


Emotionally, I am a mess. I know God is here helping me, giving me others to care for me, precious memories of my Mom and Dad. Some days I seem perfectly okay. Then it all comes slamming down on me. Overwhelmed by EVERYTHING! Crying. Needing to be held and comforted.

My body does not want to cooperate.

I’m having weird dreams.

Not sad, not nightmares, just . . . weird.

What’s that about?



(And did I mention crying?)

I know there are things that need to be taken care of.

I’m trying here,

but sometimes it feels almost pointless.


I’m not mad at God. He blessed me with my Family and Loved Ones, and I thank Him for that.

And He’s the One getting me through this, comforting me, Loving me, giving me strength.

But I am overwhelmed, and feel like no one totally understands.

Shouldn’t I be doing better by now?


I know each person grieves in their own way.

There is no time line for “getting better or adjusting.”

And we have to go through the grief to deal with it.

So though I hate it, grieving is important to help me deal with all the pain, loss, confusion and stress that I am going through. It’s okay to cry, to SLEEP, to not be functioning at full throttle.

(Oh yeah, my eyesight is blurry these days, and my brain is fuzzy a lot.)

Grief affects our emotions, our Spirit, our bodies.

You know what God wants of me right now?

To Love myself, to cut myself slack.

To lean into His arms for comfort and Love.

To let myself grieve in whatever way works for me,

and to let people know that I’m grieving and need extra Love right now.

This is all part of the process.

Along with the sadness, the loss, the confusion,

there is also Joy if I look. Memories of times together.

The knowledge that they are no longer suffering,

and are happy together in God’s Presence.

And I will get through this, grow stronger, and closer to God.

He’s gotten me through the last seven months.

He will get me through whatever is next.

What a relief to know that I am not alone!

God is always with me, always taking care of me, never not by my side.

Thank You, God. I Love You!

I write this post because, for me, writing and talking to God on paper/computer, help me to deal with what I am going through. I can break it down, write what I really am feeling, yet also open myself up to God, and what He is doing to help me along the way.

But I also write this because there are others out there, grieving and lost.

You are not alone, you are not going crazy, you are okay in a hurting, falling apart kind of way. So I guess you’re really not okay, but in an expected manner of not being okay because you have just suffered a loss and your entire Life has been shifted on its axis.

So let yourself grieve. Do not let others tell you how to mourn your loss. Do what you can to take care of yourself. Sleep, cry, don’t jump on your case. Talk with Loved Ones about what you’re going through, and ask for Love and support. But also take time to remember the Blessings you have had with your Loved Ones. And please know that God is with you, taking care of you as He always does.

I pray comfort and Peace for you this night.

Blessings, Billie


  • Tears ‘Larme d’or’ by Anne Marie Zilberman
  • It Hurts, Crying with a Friend, No Rule Book and I Will Never Leave You (Hebrews 13:5) found on Pinterest
  • Physical Symptoms from loveliveson.com
  • I’m Unreliable . . . found on griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com
  • Jesus is with You ‘Loud and Clear” by RebeccaHudgens on deviantart

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